On Monday we hopped on the TGV to Bordeaux, a smooth 2 hour ride that delivered us to Gare Saint-Jean just as they were wrapping up a little security lockdown over a suspicious package.
I am an MIL and 80 years old with a stent and an exercise program and telehealth every week to check in with an exercise physiologist and nurse who look at my vitals (online) every day. Lucky now to be in Paris for 3 weeks on my own. My kids (son and DiL) are now in their 50s and surprised by middle age! I try to “stay out of it” with no advice. Every month treat my DIL to “Mani Pedi” with me at our favorite salon. Give her massage cards for our local Chinese body work. Praise my son for his equal (or better) equal share of cooking and cleaning. Admire them constantly as a couple. This seems to work! I am often invited over, and they freely drop in for a cup of tea. I am lucky to be able to live on my own and enjoy them as equals… for the present. Old age - maturity - has so many challenges. I hope they see me facing different challenges with equanimity so the will be happy and healthy as possible in their 80s. Ii treasure my children, born to me, and their partners, chosen by them.
Firstly thank you for making a huge effort to take care of yourself and your health! I’m sure your family appreciate it! Very happy to hear that you have a lovely relationship ♥️
Not helpful but I moved literal continents and oceans away from my MIL. Now I am on the cusp of becoming one myself,I have tried to learn from the lessons that stung so much when I was a young bride and my new husband was in the impossible middle. Mine was so sharp and unkind about anything I did (I should maybe split dessert, The school where we send our son the wrong kind of Catholic) Thankfully my son's girlfriend is a ray of sunshine and I can see they are so happy and good together. And them living oceans and continents away makes us all sad instead of relieved.
I’m from the Deep South USA. His family is from Chicago. They actually lived in Dallas when President Kennedy was killed. When he called his mother to tell her we were getting married, her first comment was “I wish you wouldn’t marry a Southerner”. Things went downhill from there. And next month (February) we’ve been married 50 years.
We were in Paris for the week of Christmas to New Year's. We live elsewhere in Europe, and my MIL flew in from the USA. Despite having medical conditions and who knows what else, I watched as she ate all the no-no's on the related lists, then felt awful, couldn't climb stairs, and abandoned the babysitting duties that had been offered (extensively and enthusiastically). Thus, instead of enjoying Paris, I found myself zipping around on either the metro (on my own) or ordering Ubers to pick her up along with whatever young charge she was with somewhere in the city that was teeming with people. Additionally after numerous rescues by me, I got to listen to a lecture on how our beloved nanny ruined our son and how I did as well because of my at times spicy language. I agree with your thesis - Paris is a good place to have a grown up meltdown. Unrelated, top floor of Bon Marche is a good place to cry. Happy New Year!
In our family, every holiday starts out fun and festive, then morphs into crying spells as mother-in-law laments that not everyone is in attendance (some have been dead 40 years, others just have to work, others are jerks and have never come anyway so why is she surprised.) You cannot console her, just have to let her cry it out for about 2 hours. Also the food is usually too salty, the church service too long, the house is too cluttered, etc. I usually suddenly "have to take a call!" to catch a break. Good luck!!
Please, no solicitation of MIL bashing. I take care of my grandkids at moment's notice, even when they are sick. I never expect so much as a glass of water when I am in my daughter-in-law's house. I have bought them houses and furniture that they pick out. When I disagree with their parenting, I keep my advice to myself. I even pick up the dog poop in their backyards. I rarely get a thank you or note of appreciation. So please, no MIL bashing.
You sound like an absolute dream and I would love to take you for coffee and thank you for being so kind of you’re ever in Paris. Sadly not ever MIL is as fab as you but your children should be very happy ♥️
I have a photo of that same coffee shop from Bordeaux :-) So funny. I later found out it's a chain with quite a lot of locations in France.
Sorry to hear about the mother in law issues. I'm lucky that mine was in her 80s by the time we met and has other issues (mostly health) to worry about. The main conflict is that I can't/don't want to eat the all-meat "stuffing" that comes with the turkey at Christmas dinner, and so for the past three years I've made and brought my own American version (bread, onions, celery, sage). They don't take it well, but everyone at the table who is under 40 prefers my version.
Do your parents in law make you vouvoyer them? That's the case for my American friend who has been here (and married to a Frenchman) for 17 years. My husband was proactive and told them ahead of our first meeting that we would all be using "tu" because French is not my native language and I am likely to slip up and do it anyway. Honestly, I think that has really helped our relationship.
Cross cultural marriages are always a challenge and dealing with in-laws is a part of it. Ask me how I know. Accept that you are who you are and that is why your husband loves you! Having lived in France for only 5 years and speaking reasonably good French, both of which you have surpassed, I gathered that one can never be "French enough" but that in our international world you are something even better: someone who loves France -- and their French son! Know that even without the cultural differences in-law relationships are sometimes never smooth. Mine kept her distance, which in retrospect was a blessing, but often felt like indifference. Your MIL will come around, but know that it may take a much much longer time than you'd like. In the meantime you are raising three beautiful French/Australian children, living a vibrant life as an entrepreneur, and making their French son happy. Carry on!!
I don’t have a MIL, but I do have experience with a French woman (the director of my study abroad program) who said no matter what I did I would never be French enough and everyone would always know I’m not really French. I haven’t seen that woman since 1990 and her words still sting. I can’t imagine how much worse it would feel to have my own MIL say those kinds of things to me. I’m so sorry; that’s really, really hard. After reading your newsletter and following you on IG for a few years now, though, I can say I think you are a *great* mom/mum/maman, and one of your strengths is that you bring different cultural and other perspectives to your family and your children. It’s hard not to let her get in your head, I’m sure, but just remember that you are doing an AWESOME job! All best wishes for the new year to you and yours.
I have a French MIL, but fortunately she is wonderful so I have no advice. I did want to say that I’m sorry that you have to go through this. You are doing an amazing job with your family and all else - don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Good luck!
I feel you. My MIL would visit us in the States for 3 week stints (as I performed constant simultaneous translations). She couldn’t “digérer” anything I cooked. She couldn’t breathe in the house from all the dog “poils” flying in the air. She would gather all my husband’s clothes and lament how I didn’t take care of her precious “Son King” (my term, not hers ha ha) as she ironed his underwear. One day I returned home from work to find all my new plantings in the trash. She had “weeded” for me. (That one sent me packing to a friend’s for three days until my mother called to admonish me.) Endless stories. Fortunately my husband was always supportive.
However I was told that she was loyal to me to the end. I guess a German (second) wife was worse than an American. :) May she rest in peace.
My MIL once told my husband I must be a lesbian because I'm so strong minded. This was after I told them we had a birthday party on Saturday and won't be home so please come on Sunday. Of course they came on Saturday and was shocked I left with the kids for the birthday. She's told countless stories about hating fat people to me, who is always a bit overweight. Her compliments aren't compliments. She once screamed I'm not one of the chosen people! My husband started visiting her alone and that is perfect!
Thank you for the photos lovely to see Notre Dame all shiny and new and imagine myself as a 12th century visitor, I also enjoyed sobbing at the Louvre I imagine you were not the first there, so again some interesting stories to dream about.
Well... being from Brisbane and 'Team Emily' your MIL may just not be 'Australian' enough. I hope your MIL realises what a gem she has in having you as such a fabulous DIL, and that one day she can appreciate eating a mango over a sink. In all seriousness, I hope it sorts itself out - Christmas is such a fraught time and never like the families enjoying lunch in the David Jones Catalogue.
I am an MIL and 80 years old with a stent and an exercise program and telehealth every week to check in with an exercise physiologist and nurse who look at my vitals (online) every day. Lucky now to be in Paris for 3 weeks on my own. My kids (son and DiL) are now in their 50s and surprised by middle age! I try to “stay out of it” with no advice. Every month treat my DIL to “Mani Pedi” with me at our favorite salon. Give her massage cards for our local Chinese body work. Praise my son for his equal (or better) equal share of cooking and cleaning. Admire them constantly as a couple. This seems to work! I am often invited over, and they freely drop in for a cup of tea. I am lucky to be able to live on my own and enjoy them as equals… for the present. Old age - maturity - has so many challenges. I hope they see me facing different challenges with equanimity so the will be happy and healthy as possible in their 80s. Ii treasure my children, born to me, and their partners, chosen by them.
Firstly thank you for making a huge effort to take care of yourself and your health! I’m sure your family appreciate it! Very happy to hear that you have a lovely relationship ♥️
This is so lovely and inspirational.
Not helpful but I moved literal continents and oceans away from my MIL. Now I am on the cusp of becoming one myself,I have tried to learn from the lessons that stung so much when I was a young bride and my new husband was in the impossible middle. Mine was so sharp and unkind about anything I did (I should maybe split dessert, The school where we send our son the wrong kind of Catholic) Thankfully my son's girlfriend is a ray of sunshine and I can see they are so happy and good together. And them living oceans and continents away makes us all sad instead of relieved.
I can’t imagine you being anything but perfect as a MIL ♥️♥️♥️
I’m from the Deep South USA. His family is from Chicago. They actually lived in Dallas when President Kennedy was killed. When he called his mother to tell her we were getting married, her first comment was “I wish you wouldn’t marry a Southerner”. Things went downhill from there. And next month (February) we’ve been married 50 years.
Congratulations on 50 years that’s amazing! Must be that Southern charm 😉
We were in Paris for the week of Christmas to New Year's. We live elsewhere in Europe, and my MIL flew in from the USA. Despite having medical conditions and who knows what else, I watched as she ate all the no-no's on the related lists, then felt awful, couldn't climb stairs, and abandoned the babysitting duties that had been offered (extensively and enthusiastically). Thus, instead of enjoying Paris, I found myself zipping around on either the metro (on my own) or ordering Ubers to pick her up along with whatever young charge she was with somewhere in the city that was teeming with people. Additionally after numerous rescues by me, I got to listen to a lecture on how our beloved nanny ruined our son and how I did as well because of my at times spicy language. I agree with your thesis - Paris is a good place to have a grown up meltdown. Unrelated, top floor of Bon Marche is a good place to cry. Happy New Year!
I’m all for spicy language 👍🏻
Yet another reason to love Bon Marche!
In our family, every holiday starts out fun and festive, then morphs into crying spells as mother-in-law laments that not everyone is in attendance (some have been dead 40 years, others just have to work, others are jerks and have never come anyway so why is she surprised.) You cannot console her, just have to let her cry it out for about 2 hours. Also the food is usually too salty, the church service too long, the house is too cluttered, etc. I usually suddenly "have to take a call!" to catch a break. Good luck!!
I’ve been caught on a fake call before 🤣 “why is your screen blank”
Thanks for sharing the photos of the new Notre Dame. I was there before it burned so fun to see the after shots as well.
Thanks for sharing the photos of the new Notre Dame. I was there before it burned so fun to see the after shots as well.
Please, no solicitation of MIL bashing. I take care of my grandkids at moment's notice, even when they are sick. I never expect so much as a glass of water when I am in my daughter-in-law's house. I have bought them houses and furniture that they pick out. When I disagree with their parenting, I keep my advice to myself. I even pick up the dog poop in their backyards. I rarely get a thank you or note of appreciation. So please, no MIL bashing.
You sound like an absolute dream and I would love to take you for coffee and thank you for being so kind of you’re ever in Paris. Sadly not ever MIL is as fab as you but your children should be very happy ♥️
I have a photo of that same coffee shop from Bordeaux :-) So funny. I later found out it's a chain with quite a lot of locations in France.
Sorry to hear about the mother in law issues. I'm lucky that mine was in her 80s by the time we met and has other issues (mostly health) to worry about. The main conflict is that I can't/don't want to eat the all-meat "stuffing" that comes with the turkey at Christmas dinner, and so for the past three years I've made and brought my own American version (bread, onions, celery, sage). They don't take it well, but everyone at the table who is under 40 prefers my version.
Do your parents in law make you vouvoyer them? That's the case for my American friend who has been here (and married to a Frenchman) for 17 years. My husband was proactive and told them ahead of our first meeting that we would all be using "tu" because French is not my native language and I am likely to slip up and do it anyway. Honestly, I think that has really helped our relationship.
We don’t vouvoyer for exactly the same reason, I couldn’t speak French when I met them! I have a friend and his parents make the grandkids vouvoyer 🤣
Cross cultural marriages are always a challenge and dealing with in-laws is a part of it. Ask me how I know. Accept that you are who you are and that is why your husband loves you! Having lived in France for only 5 years and speaking reasonably good French, both of which you have surpassed, I gathered that one can never be "French enough" but that in our international world you are something even better: someone who loves France -- and their French son! Know that even without the cultural differences in-law relationships are sometimes never smooth. Mine kept her distance, which in retrospect was a blessing, but often felt like indifference. Your MIL will come around, but know that it may take a much much longer time than you'd like. In the meantime you are raising three beautiful French/Australian children, living a vibrant life as an entrepreneur, and making their French son happy. Carry on!!
I don’t have a MIL, but I do have experience with a French woman (the director of my study abroad program) who said no matter what I did I would never be French enough and everyone would always know I’m not really French. I haven’t seen that woman since 1990 and her words still sting. I can’t imagine how much worse it would feel to have my own MIL say those kinds of things to me. I’m so sorry; that’s really, really hard. After reading your newsletter and following you on IG for a few years now, though, I can say I think you are a *great* mom/mum/maman, and one of your strengths is that you bring different cultural and other perspectives to your family and your children. It’s hard not to let her get in your head, I’m sure, but just remember that you are doing an AWESOME job! All best wishes for the new year to you and yours.
I have a French MIL, but fortunately she is wonderful so I have no advice. I did want to say that I’m sorry that you have to go through this. You are doing an amazing job with your family and all else - don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Good luck!
I feel you. My MIL would visit us in the States for 3 week stints (as I performed constant simultaneous translations). She couldn’t “digérer” anything I cooked. She couldn’t breathe in the house from all the dog “poils” flying in the air. She would gather all my husband’s clothes and lament how I didn’t take care of her precious “Son King” (my term, not hers ha ha) as she ironed his underwear. One day I returned home from work to find all my new plantings in the trash. She had “weeded” for me. (That one sent me packing to a friend’s for three days until my mother called to admonish me.) Endless stories. Fortunately my husband was always supportive.
However I was told that she was loyal to me to the end. I guess a German (second) wife was worse than an American. :) May she rest in peace.
My MIL once told my husband I must be a lesbian because I'm so strong minded. This was after I told them we had a birthday party on Saturday and won't be home so please come on Sunday. Of course they came on Saturday and was shocked I left with the kids for the birthday. She's told countless stories about hating fat people to me, who is always a bit overweight. Her compliments aren't compliments. She once screamed I'm not one of the chosen people! My husband started visiting her alone and that is perfect!
Thank you for the photos lovely to see Notre Dame all shiny and new and imagine myself as a 12th century visitor, I also enjoyed sobbing at the Louvre I imagine you were not the first there, so again some interesting stories to dream about.
Well... being from Brisbane and 'Team Emily' your MIL may just not be 'Australian' enough. I hope your MIL realises what a gem she has in having you as such a fabulous DIL, and that one day she can appreciate eating a mango over a sink. In all seriousness, I hope it sorts itself out - Christmas is such a fraught time and never like the families enjoying lunch in the David Jones Catalogue.